Alien Side Boob

John Birmingham

I can haz kompromat?

Fri 13th Jan 2017




Rumours of face-fucking a dead pig’s head didn’t drive conservative British PM David Cameron from high office, and rumours about paying Russian hookers to wet the bed are no more likely to bring down aggravated Cheezel demon Donald Trump. 

You live in a new reality now.  

Even if some half-cut Russian spook decided to trouser one or both of the competing bounties being offered for video evidence of confronting orange perversity—a million bucks from Penthouse and another million from pornographer emeritus at Hustler, Larry Flynt—what harm could it do. Seriously? That would be like asking a gigantic puckered monkey sphincter to care about an obscure rhetorical exchange between classical Greek philosophers. The sphincter just wants what it wants.

 Some failed British spy says Trump used prostitutes? Sad! 

Dude, any prostitutes woulda been better paid than the subcontractors he’s got suing him and, bonus points, they’d have been consenting adults—unlike the dozen or so women who allege Trump sexually assaulted them.

 Assuming any sex tape did not inconvenience the President Elect by revealing him to be a grotesque human skin suit pulled over the ambulatory life support chassis for a comically small but sentient talking peehole, he’s cool. Modern celebrity is not discommoded by scandal, it is enabled and embiggened. Nothing in Trump’s rise to power suggests otherwise. The opposite in fact.

 At his presser this week, at which he was finally supposed to jelly wrestle the Lovecraftian horror show of his ethical and business conflicts, he instead put on an even better show. Leaping out of the octagon, and into the audience of journalists, he pounded on them with the seething calamari basket of bulging muscular tentacles that normally stay tightly wrapped under his off-the-rack Brioni suits.

As The New Yorker’s Amy Davidson reported, just before a jumbo Trumpian sucker nodule closed over her head and silenced her forever:

Trump looked angry, in a way that, as anger sometimes does, left him more rhetorically focussed. The rambling defensiveness that criticisms often provoke in him was not so visible. His grandiosity, his resentments, and, at moments, his crudity were all on full display, but not in a way that is likely to alienate his supporters.

Rather than wallowing in a shame bath of fart bubbles and ethical failure after getting doxxed by Buzzfeed, he won the day by teabagging the most embarrassing but least consequential ‘revelation’ in the data dump – the golden shower Moscow moment. It’s an air quotes revelation because, just like Hillary Clinton’s profitable foray into human trafficking and pizza delivery, it remains what journalists refer to technically as “insane unproven bullshit.”

But in the new reality, it’s bullshit that works strangely well. For Trump.

As beguiling as it is to contemplate the spectre of Baron von Clownstick ruining an exquisite set of hotel bedsheets, it is, to quote Admiral Ackbar, a trap. Fuming like a pantsless granddad hot on the trail of his stolen TV dinner, the soon-to-be leader of the free world was allowed to Godwin his own press conference after Buzzfeed published those reports by former British spy Christopher Steele. It was a smear tactic worthy of the Nazis, said Trump.

Steele, now waiting to find out which Russian intelligence service assassinates him first, was hired to dig up ‘opposition research’ on Trump, specifically focussing on his connections to Moscow. Steele kept at his research even during the brief periods he did not have a paying client. He had become convinced the Russians had a glove puppet candidate in Trump; so convinced he eventually turned his research over to British and US intelligence.

It is of course a delicious irony that Trump’s rumoured Moscow sex tapes might have no more basis in reality than Barack Obama’s rumoured Kenyan birth certificate, but while the interwebz fell on the Buzzfeed reveal like a Labrador on a T-bone, it was not the meat of Steele’s investigation. Most of his work turned on a years-long effort by Russian intelligence to cultivate Trump; not because Vladimir Putin decided he’d like to carve a grotesquely bloated likeness of his own image into a sticky, man-sized lump of boneless ham, just to see whether it could beat Marco Rubio in a cage fight (spoiler, it could), but rather because Trump might be a useful source of gossip on Putin’s frenemies and rivals among the Russian oligarch class.

To the permanently appalled he is a vulgarian face-anus in a fright wig, but the billionaire real estate mogul also mixed with persons of interest to the Russian state. Ignore the golden showers and Steele has a much more interesting story to tell about the development of Trump as a potential source and asset, and as a foil for Putin against the hated Hillary Clinton. As with any useful idiot, it was not necessary that Trump be aware of his role. The hairpiece does not need to understand its motivation.

Steele concluded, however, that as the election season unrolled, the Trump campaign, if not the candidate, did actively and consciously engage with Putin’s security apparatus. It was not always a smooth exchange. At various times his sources reported serious divisions within the Kremlin over fears that email hacking operations were spiralling out of control. Two sources told Steele that the Head of Presidential Administration, Sergei Ivanov had fallen out with Putin’s spokesman, Dmitriy Peskov over the escalating blowback. For sure, the FSB and GRU could make Clinton’s emails appear on the front page of The New York Times, but their US counterparts could make all of the Euros disappear from your Swiss bank account.

Nobody wants that, comrade.

How much of what Steele reported is true?

Who knows? He was not carrying out a real time surveillance operation, but rather trying to piece together movement and intent from second- and thirdhand sources, well after the fact and at far remove. As a former spy who operated in Russia, he could not return there. As the former lead analyst on the Russian desk for the British Secret Service, he also knew to be wary of Russian disinformation. If Putin’s original intent was simply to bunglefuck western liberal democracy, he would run dark against Trump as well as Clinton. In that case, Steele’s dossier would be full of dezinformatsiya.

The only way to know would be to unleash the CIA and NSA on the case.

The professionals have about a week and a half left before they start taking orders from all of the glistening monkey boners the Trump transition team is currently sliding through the confirmation process.