Alien Side Boob

John Birmingham

The Elder Gods Courier Service attempted to deliver your parcel.

Mon 30th Apr 2018

The Elder Gods Courier Service attempted to deliver your parcel, but you were not at home. Please review the following options, which are but gestures as empty as the space between the stars, because the Elder Gods will one day return and upon that day your doom is writ for all time.

Your parcel(s) will be delivered to an Elder Gods Access Point™ location and held under an eldritch moon for seven days, allowing you to pick it up at a time that is convenient for all the most horrible things that do slither and slime across the surface of the world. Before you pick up your parcel, be sure to track it using your Elder Gods InfoNotice number to make sure it’s ready for pickup at the designated location in the House at R’lyeh, where dead Cthulhu waits dreaming Note: You will need photo ID. The last name and full address on your ID must match the last name and full address on your parcel lest the sun visibly darken as it does slink away into the shrunken and gibbous sky on flapping membranous wings.

We will try again on the next Elder Gods delivery day. Yog-Sothoth Himself will try to deliver your parcel on the next delivery day (Monday through Friday, and Saturday in select areas; for past, present and future are as one to Yog-Sothoth). If you won’t be available, you have few options beyond the vengeance of the infinite abyss.

Someone must be here to accept delivery and sign for your package. We need a signature in person and in blood. If you are not going to be home and you would like the parcel(s) delivered to a neighbour, follow the instructions on the back of the Elder Gods InfoNotice. Note: Parcel(s) delivered to a neighbour will incur extra grovelling in abhorrent abasement.

We can leave your parcel(s) on the next weekday if you sign the back of this InfoNotice. If you’re not home and don’t mind us skulking out of the blackness of primordial caverns to befoul your home and hearth, just sign the back of the Elder Gods InfoNotice and leave it for Yog-Sothoth Himself.

Your parcel(s) has a C.O.D. due. Pay your driver the required C.O.D amount by check, EFTPOS or the covenant of your undying soul to receive your parcel(s). If you need more options, track your package as instructed on our website to see what options are available to you, but know that there are none for a creature as lowly as yourself.

Your parcel(s) was left at…… If this box is checked, we noted where we left the parcel at your address or if we left it with a neighbour after passing through angles—strange angles that have no counterparts on the earth. As an Elder Gods My Cult member you can make supplications to your driver to lumber slobberingly into sight and gropingly squeeze His gelatinous green immensity through the black doorway to leave your packages at a designated location or with a trusted neighbour. 

Pickup attempted. We will make up to three attempts to pick up your parcel(s). If we have made the final attempt and you have failed us, madness will ride down upon you with claws and teeth sharpened on centuries of corpses, but you can always schedule another pickup or take your package to a nearby Elder Gods drop-off location.

This was our final attempt — Pray we never tick this box.